I started this blog because I think it's important for people to have someone to relate to when they're going through something tough. For me, it's an eating disorder. I'm in the recovery stages of Bulimia and I wish I had someone to relate to. I have a friend who is recovered from an eating disorder, but her's was different. Everyone's situation is different.
Mine started when I was in high school, I was probably 15 (9 years ago!). I had a friend who was anorexic and bulimic, and another few friends who openly tried throwing up when they were too full. I don't know why my situation was different, but I talked the other friends out of throwing up regularily (at least I think I did) but secretly I continued to do it. I didn't confide in anyone, not even my friend who at the time entered the Emily program for her eating disorder. I didn't think mine was a "disorder" because I threw up infrequently, usually maybe once a week if I ate something REALLY bad to ate WAY too much. A few years later it was still the same, though more frequent...maybe a few times a week to sometimes once a day. I worked at a job where junk food was readily available. Another year later and I was throwing up a few times a day when I was at my job, other days not at all.
Funny thing is, I'm a healthy person. I work out about 4 days a week, and I eat very healthy. I balance carbs, fruits and veggies, and protein. I make healthy choices about the foods that I eat, and I don't count calories, so long as I'm aware of what I'm eating and making healthy decisions. Sometimes when I throw up It'll be after I eat a very healthy meal, followed by several unhealthy treats...so I'll throw up only a little bit, usually what appears to be only the dessert and keep the healthy stuff inside (it sounds weird, I know). You tend to throw up the most recent thing you ate, unless the food is "heavier" than others...like chocolate...that sinks toward the bottom of the stomach and has to be thrown up last. It's crazy the way I think and the patterns I've developed. Since I don't throw up everything i eat, I kept telling myself it was under control and that I was doing it in a "healthy" way.
A few years ago I told my husband and I still throw up (i told him once when we were seriously dating and that I had it under control). He thought that it was a small phase I'd gone through and that it was over with. He's supporting me in my recovery, but he's frustrated when the therapy doesn't always seem to be helping. He'll notice large amounts of something gone...cereal, cookies, sweets, candy, ice cream, pizza, etc., and know that I'd eaten a lot and thrown it all up. It's nice having him to hold me accountable, but at the same time it's shameful and I want to keep it a secret. He doesn't make me feel ashamed, but to me I think I should be.
I'm in the beginning stages of treatment, although I haven't found a good therapist yet. My last one didn't help at all, and it didn't seem like she understood me. I know that I need to get better, and I know the skills I need to fight it. The hard part is NOT eating too much. The hard part is remembering that I shouldn't throw up, so I don't stop myself eating too much of something. This blog is of my ongoing battle (one I'm going to win!) against bulimia. I am not a bulimic....I'm just a normal person who has a part of them that is struggling with bulimia. It is not ME, but a part of me that I will overcome.
I am generally a functioning person. I am in grad school for therapy (go figure) and am getting straight A's. I am a Christian, and have been married for a few years. I have no children, but want to start a family in a few years. I know I want to have my eating under control before we begin trying for our first child. I have several friends, few of them I'm close with. I am very successful at my job and love what I do. Just because I have an eating disorder doesn't mean I'm not a normal, happy person. I'm a very happy person with a distorted body image. I'm not fat, nor am I skinny, though I'm below average. I am 5"7' and about 125-130lbs.
If anyone else is going through an eating disorder, know that you're not alone. Many people, mostly women, suffer from it, though it is usually a very difficult thing to admit, even to ones self, and to treat. Together, we can rise and conquer!
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