Ughhhhhhhhh.
I went to the dentist today....thankfully my teeth are great, despite a few cavities (something I've dealt with since I was 8). I do eat a lot of candy and drink a lot of coffee...
The frustrating part about today, though, is that even though my teeth are sore from the scraping and poking, I cant stop eating candy!
I'm having a horrible binge right now..it's a fine one, not that big, but emotionally I DO NOT want to do this right now and I have no time for it, but I feel like I can't stop it from happening. WHY?!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Broken and undesired
Hello self..and any other possible readers.
Today I feel weird..like unhappiness without the negative connotations. Its not that I feel sad, just not happy. I feel broken, a bit indifferent to the world around me, and undeserving. I ate quite a bit of deliciousness...then got rid of it all. It wasn't easy, though, since right now it's been getting harder and harder. I've been praying for God to help me with this problem...and he's making it harder for me to keep it up. Which is great. But at the same time I wish it was still easy.
Before I went on vacation (i'm leaving vacation today) my husband said that he didn't desire me when he knows I've thrown up. I don't blame him. It also doesn't make me feel desirable at all...one of the main reasons I"m doing this is so I can look good for him, stay thin. For myself..and for him. And he thinks it makes me ugly. Wow. That's an eyeopener for sure.
I want it to all go away...i want to stop. I want him to want me. I dont want this to go on for long, yet how long will it take to stop?
It's tough, it's like it is controlling me, yet am I the one being selfish?
Either way, it's all a gloomy near future.
Hopefully tomorrow is a different day.
Today I feel weird..like unhappiness without the negative connotations. Its not that I feel sad, just not happy. I feel broken, a bit indifferent to the world around me, and undeserving. I ate quite a bit of deliciousness...then got rid of it all. It wasn't easy, though, since right now it's been getting harder and harder. I've been praying for God to help me with this problem...and he's making it harder for me to keep it up. Which is great. But at the same time I wish it was still easy.
Before I went on vacation (i'm leaving vacation today) my husband said that he didn't desire me when he knows I've thrown up. I don't blame him. It also doesn't make me feel desirable at all...one of the main reasons I"m doing this is so I can look good for him, stay thin. For myself..and for him. And he thinks it makes me ugly. Wow. That's an eyeopener for sure.
I want it to all go away...i want to stop. I want him to want me. I dont want this to go on for long, yet how long will it take to stop?
It's tough, it's like it is controlling me, yet am I the one being selfish?
Either way, it's all a gloomy near future.
Hopefully tomorrow is a different day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Candy hits the spot...
I LOVE candy!! I love anything sweet, really, but I love candy. Today I bought a 5lbs bag of Good & Plenty at Costco and that was a mistake. I ate quite a bit today, which made me hate myself for it. That made me go and eat a bunch of other bad foods that we had laying around the house. I stopped buying "bad" foods for this reason, to stop myself from going crazy eating them all, but I still get creative...like toast with peanut butter and cinnamon sugar..yum! Did I keep it all in my stomach? No :( Why do I do this?! It's getting harder and harder to throw up at this point, and I think it's because my gag reflexes are getting more used to it...fortunately and unfortunately. This really has been a bit of a deterrent lately. It's too much work to throw up..so I'm making healthier choices and staying away from my trigger foods: SUGAR!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My daily struggle
I started this blog because I think it's important for people to have someone to relate to when they're going through something tough. For me, it's an eating disorder. I'm in the recovery stages of Bulimia and I wish I had someone to relate to. I have a friend who is recovered from an eating disorder, but her's was different. Everyone's situation is different.
Mine started when I was in high school, I was probably 15 (9 years ago!). I had a friend who was anorexic and bulimic, and another few friends who openly tried throwing up when they were too full. I don't know why my situation was different, but I talked the other friends out of throwing up regularily (at least I think I did) but secretly I continued to do it. I didn't confide in anyone, not even my friend who at the time entered the Emily program for her eating disorder. I didn't think mine was a "disorder" because I threw up infrequently, usually maybe once a week if I ate something REALLY bad to ate WAY too much. A few years later it was still the same, though more frequent...maybe a few times a week to sometimes once a day. I worked at a job where junk food was readily available. Another year later and I was throwing up a few times a day when I was at my job, other days not at all.
Funny thing is, I'm a healthy person. I work out about 4 days a week, and I eat very healthy. I balance carbs, fruits and veggies, and protein. I make healthy choices about the foods that I eat, and I don't count calories, so long as I'm aware of what I'm eating and making healthy decisions. Sometimes when I throw up It'll be after I eat a very healthy meal, followed by several unhealthy treats...so I'll throw up only a little bit, usually what appears to be only the dessert and keep the healthy stuff inside (it sounds weird, I know). You tend to throw up the most recent thing you ate, unless the food is "heavier" than others...like chocolate...that sinks toward the bottom of the stomach and has to be thrown up last. It's crazy the way I think and the patterns I've developed. Since I don't throw up everything i eat, I kept telling myself it was under control and that I was doing it in a "healthy" way.
A few years ago I told my husband and I still throw up (i told him once when we were seriously dating and that I had it under control). He thought that it was a small phase I'd gone through and that it was over with. He's supporting me in my recovery, but he's frustrated when the therapy doesn't always seem to be helping. He'll notice large amounts of something gone...cereal, cookies, sweets, candy, ice cream, pizza, etc., and know that I'd eaten a lot and thrown it all up. It's nice having him to hold me accountable, but at the same time it's shameful and I want to keep it a secret. He doesn't make me feel ashamed, but to me I think I should be.
I'm in the beginning stages of treatment, although I haven't found a good therapist yet. My last one didn't help at all, and it didn't seem like she understood me. I know that I need to get better, and I know the skills I need to fight it. The hard part is NOT eating too much. The hard part is remembering that I shouldn't throw up, so I don't stop myself eating too much of something. This blog is of my ongoing battle (one I'm going to win!) against bulimia. I am not a bulimic....I'm just a normal person who has a part of them that is struggling with bulimia. It is not ME, but a part of me that I will overcome.
I am generally a functioning person. I am in grad school for therapy (go figure) and am getting straight A's. I am a Christian, and have been married for a few years. I have no children, but want to start a family in a few years. I know I want to have my eating under control before we begin trying for our first child. I have several friends, few of them I'm close with. I am very successful at my job and love what I do. Just because I have an eating disorder doesn't mean I'm not a normal, happy person. I'm a very happy person with a distorted body image. I'm not fat, nor am I skinny, though I'm below average. I am 5"7' and about 125-130lbs.
If anyone else is going through an eating disorder, know that you're not alone. Many people, mostly women, suffer from it, though it is usually a very difficult thing to admit, even to ones self, and to treat. Together, we can rise and conquer!
Mine started when I was in high school, I was probably 15 (9 years ago!). I had a friend who was anorexic and bulimic, and another few friends who openly tried throwing up when they were too full. I don't know why my situation was different, but I talked the other friends out of throwing up regularily (at least I think I did) but secretly I continued to do it. I didn't confide in anyone, not even my friend who at the time entered the Emily program for her eating disorder. I didn't think mine was a "disorder" because I threw up infrequently, usually maybe once a week if I ate something REALLY bad to ate WAY too much. A few years later it was still the same, though more frequent...maybe a few times a week to sometimes once a day. I worked at a job where junk food was readily available. Another year later and I was throwing up a few times a day when I was at my job, other days not at all.
Funny thing is, I'm a healthy person. I work out about 4 days a week, and I eat very healthy. I balance carbs, fruits and veggies, and protein. I make healthy choices about the foods that I eat, and I don't count calories, so long as I'm aware of what I'm eating and making healthy decisions. Sometimes when I throw up It'll be after I eat a very healthy meal, followed by several unhealthy treats...so I'll throw up only a little bit, usually what appears to be only the dessert and keep the healthy stuff inside (it sounds weird, I know). You tend to throw up the most recent thing you ate, unless the food is "heavier" than others...like chocolate...that sinks toward the bottom of the stomach and has to be thrown up last. It's crazy the way I think and the patterns I've developed. Since I don't throw up everything i eat, I kept telling myself it was under control and that I was doing it in a "healthy" way.
A few years ago I told my husband and I still throw up (i told him once when we were seriously dating and that I had it under control). He thought that it was a small phase I'd gone through and that it was over with. He's supporting me in my recovery, but he's frustrated when the therapy doesn't always seem to be helping. He'll notice large amounts of something gone...cereal, cookies, sweets, candy, ice cream, pizza, etc., and know that I'd eaten a lot and thrown it all up. It's nice having him to hold me accountable, but at the same time it's shameful and I want to keep it a secret. He doesn't make me feel ashamed, but to me I think I should be.
I'm in the beginning stages of treatment, although I haven't found a good therapist yet. My last one didn't help at all, and it didn't seem like she understood me. I know that I need to get better, and I know the skills I need to fight it. The hard part is NOT eating too much. The hard part is remembering that I shouldn't throw up, so I don't stop myself eating too much of something. This blog is of my ongoing battle (one I'm going to win!) against bulimia. I am not a bulimic....I'm just a normal person who has a part of them that is struggling with bulimia. It is not ME, but a part of me that I will overcome.
I am generally a functioning person. I am in grad school for therapy (go figure) and am getting straight A's. I am a Christian, and have been married for a few years. I have no children, but want to start a family in a few years. I know I want to have my eating under control before we begin trying for our first child. I have several friends, few of them I'm close with. I am very successful at my job and love what I do. Just because I have an eating disorder doesn't mean I'm not a normal, happy person. I'm a very happy person with a distorted body image. I'm not fat, nor am I skinny, though I'm below average. I am 5"7' and about 125-130lbs.
If anyone else is going through an eating disorder, know that you're not alone. Many people, mostly women, suffer from it, though it is usually a very difficult thing to admit, even to ones self, and to treat. Together, we can rise and conquer!
Today I ate a batch of cookies...
This is my first blog...and I just finished finishing off a batch of cookies that I made to share with my husband. He ate 3 of them. I ate the rest.
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